Since Rory was born I have sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star to him each night before bed. Since he could talk I have asked him every night to join me. Every now and then he would say a word, but he would never really sing the song with me. Then about a week ago he asked if he could sing "the song" with me. And it was the best rendition ever and we have done it each night since then. It took us over 4 years to get to the point where we would sing that song together. Anything we start now that will take that long I won't likely see the outcome. And that is ridiculously unfair.
Not only will I miss all the big milestones in my little boys' lives, but I will also miss all of those little moments ~ those moments that I don't even know what they will be, I just know I won't be here to see them when I so desperately want to see each and every one.
Showing posts with label Crosby. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Crosby. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
Why Your Mother Muttered
Parenting is a tough job. Parenting with a "life-threatening" illness (I really dislike that phrase) is tougher. I want my children's memories of me to involve sun drenched afternoons playing outside and picnics on the grass. Today would have been a lovely day for such memories. But, we had other things to do.
Today involved running Kyan to an appointment, taking Crosby for a walk so he would sleep, and telling Rory that, no, he could not spend the afternoon naked (I blame my father-in-law for that) while he went traipsing through the woods with grandma. Then I was getting dinner ready and the Rory and Kyan were not sharing well. What am I saying? Rory and Kyan were not sharing. There is no "well" about it. So the "two minute sharing rule" was declared. And when the two minutes were up the older boys did not want to follow the sharing rule and Crosby thought it would be a good time to wake up crying and so there were tears and sad faces and rice that needed to prepared. We ended up with two boys sitting on the floor while I was cursing under my breath because I could not remember where I put the Baby Bjorn (seriously, it has been 5 days...where IS that thing?), and, well...we won't discuss the rice.
I have tried to remember what I remember from when I was 4 or younger ~ and the answer is not much. Glimmers of things, more than full memories. Perhaps the boys will remember sitting on the kitchen floor while I muttered to myself. I guess if that is the case, at least now they will know why I was muttering!
Today involved running Kyan to an appointment, taking Crosby for a walk so he would sleep, and telling Rory that, no, he could not spend the afternoon naked (I blame my father-in-law for that) while he went traipsing through the woods with grandma. Then I was getting dinner ready and the Rory and Kyan were not sharing well. What am I saying? Rory and Kyan were not sharing. There is no "well" about it. So the "two minute sharing rule" was declared. And when the two minutes were up the older boys did not want to follow the sharing rule and Crosby thought it would be a good time to wake up crying and so there were tears and sad faces and rice that needed to prepared. We ended up with two boys sitting on the floor while I was cursing under my breath because I could not remember where I put the Baby Bjorn (seriously, it has been 5 days...where IS that thing?), and, well...we won't discuss the rice.
I have tried to remember what I remember from when I was 4 or younger ~ and the answer is not much. Glimmers of things, more than full memories. Perhaps the boys will remember sitting on the kitchen floor while I muttered to myself. I guess if that is the case, at least now they will know why I was muttering!
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Saturday
What a great Saturday...perfect weather to spend the vast majority of the day outside.
Some highlights:
Kelly's French Toast for breakfast. My mom and dad used to laugh when I told them I was going to marry someone who would cook...did I luck out or what?
I cleaned out my cupboard. You probably have one just like it. One that has all sorts of stuff and you really need to clean it but you can never find the time. I cleaned it today. Ahhhh...
We have a huge delivery box in our garage. Today it got dragged out into the yard and turned into a house, boat, and submarine. It was also for a few moments an amusement park ride as cousin Jackson went in the box while Rory and Kyan tipped the box over. And then they did it again. And then the adults put a stop to that one...
Crosby went on his first swing ride. He was not impressed.
After dinner we walked to get ice cream (sherbet for me, and yes, I like sherbet, it doesn't mean I am weird).
Rory fell asleep in my lap and then Kyan fell asleep as we cuddled singing songs.
Some highlights:
Kelly's French Toast for breakfast. My mom and dad used to laugh when I told them I was going to marry someone who would cook...did I luck out or what?
I cleaned out my cupboard. You probably have one just like it. One that has all sorts of stuff and you really need to clean it but you can never find the time. I cleaned it today. Ahhhh...
We have a huge delivery box in our garage. Today it got dragged out into the yard and turned into a house, boat, and submarine. It was also for a few moments an amusement park ride as cousin Jackson went in the box while Rory and Kyan tipped the box over. And then they did it again. And then the adults put a stop to that one...
Crosby went on his first swing ride. He was not impressed.
After dinner we walked to get ice cream (sherbet for me, and yes, I like sherbet, it doesn't mean I am weird).
Rory fell asleep in my lap and then Kyan fell asleep as we cuddled singing songs.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Cuddling
I am a firm believer in my boys going to bed in their own beds. And I used to be a stickler for keeping them in their beds if they woke up in the middle of the night. Now, as the photo below shows, I don't worry so much about that. Last night our king bed had me, Rory, Ky, and Kelly, with Crosby in his crib next to the bed. Crowded? Yes. Cozy? Yes. Awesome? Yes.
Can I tell you how sweet it is to have two little boys say "cuddle, cuddle" to you and then curl up as close as they can? I know in my pre-cancer world I didn't always embrace these opportunities. In fact, I often tried to get the child in question over on Kelly's side because he could somehow sleep through the heels digging into his back and the nudging as Rory or Ky tried to inch in just a little closer.
Now, those boys make a peep and they are able to come into our bed. Scared? Dark? No idea why, just that you want to? Come on over! I am grabbing onto any chance I can to spend just another second with my kiddos ~ even if we are all sound asleep in a big heap.
Can I tell you how sweet it is to have two little boys say "cuddle, cuddle" to you and then curl up as close as they can? I know in my pre-cancer world I didn't always embrace these opportunities. In fact, I often tried to get the child in question over on Kelly's side because he could somehow sleep through the heels digging into his back and the nudging as Rory or Ky tried to inch in just a little closer.
Now, those boys make a peep and they are able to come into our bed. Scared? Dark? No idea why, just that you want to? Come on over! I am grabbing onto any chance I can to spend just another second with my kiddos ~ even if we are all sound asleep in a big heap.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
See Mommy
The other night, around midnight, Kyan woke up. Kelly went to check on him as I remained fast asleep. In the morning Kelly told me Ky kept saying "See Mommy, See Mommy." To settle him, Kelly brought him in to see me (sleeping) and then put him back to bed.
A few nights later I was watching a movie with Rory and he started to doze off. I turned off the light and started to sing him his nighttime song. Since there was no nightlight, the room was very dark. Rory snuggled in close and whispered that he was scared and he couldn't see me because it was dark. I told him it was okay to be scared, but I was right there and held his hand.
I worry so much about how the little boys will cope if I die. They have the best daddy who will do everything in his power to help them, and four wonderful grandparents they adore and who adore them. But it is not the same as having me there...they will not be able to see me or feel me for comfort. I will not be a tangible part of their daily lives, and I am sad that they will not have their mommy there to hold them, cheer them on, comfort them, and celebrate with them as they grow.
A few nights later I was watching a movie with Rory and he started to doze off. I turned off the light and started to sing him his nighttime song. Since there was no nightlight, the room was very dark. Rory snuggled in close and whispered that he was scared and he couldn't see me because it was dark. I told him it was okay to be scared, but I was right there and held his hand.
I worry so much about how the little boys will cope if I die. They have the best daddy who will do everything in his power to help them, and four wonderful grandparents they adore and who adore them. But it is not the same as having me there...they will not be able to see me or feel me for comfort. I will not be a tangible part of their daily lives, and I am sad that they will not have their mommy there to hold them, cheer them on, comfort them, and celebrate with them as they grow.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Happy Six Months, Crosby!
That morning was so wonderful ~ everyone was so excited and things went well. Cora Lily was born first, and minutes later Crosby Robert joined us. Because they were born via c-section, I was the last one in the room to see them, but it was worth the wait. They were both absolutely perfect. Because I couldn't really move much other than my right arm and turn my head, I kept asking Kelly and the nurses to hold them in positions so I could see them. And I couldn't really tell who was who, so I kept having to ask...talk about being a slacker twin parent! Though now when I look at pictures I have no idea how I couldn't tell them apart...
From the operating room, one of my favorite moments was when Kelly was holding Cora and one of the nurses came over and popped Crosby into his arms and said something funny to him, like "Welcome to reality." Kelly's eyes got huge for about 10 seconds, and then he settled right in with both of them.
It is hard to believe that wonderful morning was six months ago and at the same time it is hard to believe that Crosby is already six months old. He is adorable and happy and enamored with the antics of his big brothers. Kyan likes being silly near him and Rory entertains him for long stretches of time with songs and toys. Crosby has two very sharp teeth and an uncanny ability to roll to the right, while refusing to do the same to the left. And his smile, it is huge and charming and melts my heart each time I see it. It is amazing to me how much joy, peace, and love he has brought to us already. Happy Six Months, Crosby!
Monday, March 26, 2012
Mornings
I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, a morning person. To cope with this, I started each day with a Diet Coke. I was pretty sure the "nectar" the Greek gods consumed on Mount Olympus was, in fact, Diet Coke. But I have now given up Diet Coke. Eight days. And here's the thing that I really don't want to admit, but am going to...I feel better. Shhhhhhhhhhhhh...DON'T. TELL. ANYONE.
Still, I am not a morning person. Starting the day with water or a concoction from the juicer instead of Diet Coke has not made it worse, but it certainly has not made it better. I need cajoling to get up ~ and even then, cheerful is not my natural first emotion.
The same cannot be said of Ky. That child LOVES the morning. He wakes up happy as could be - filled with smiles, dancing, and hugs. He is ready to play (cars, cars!) and rarely interested in watching more than 5 or 10 minutes of a show so I can grab a few more minutes of sleep. I suppose if one has to have an early riser, it is good to have a happy one.
Rory is more like me. He wakes up and shuffles to wherever he is going (usually to me, still in bed, because Kelly is kind enough to get up with Ky), then sits in "his spot" on the couch to drink his milk while he wakes up. He eases into mornings. Not a thing wrong with that, in my opinion.
Now Crosby...he is still a mystery. Some mornings he wakes up cooing and smiley, content to hang out in his bouncer for a while before having his bottle. Other mornings all my neighbors probably know he is awake. He wakes up fast and loud. Really loud until a bottle reaches him. I am curious to know which side will "win," as he gets older. I have a feeling he will be a little bit more like me. Because, until 8 days ago, I would have completely understood being really loud until I had my Diet Coke.
Still, I am not a morning person. Starting the day with water or a concoction from the juicer instead of Diet Coke has not made it worse, but it certainly has not made it better. I need cajoling to get up ~ and even then, cheerful is not my natural first emotion.
The same cannot be said of Ky. That child LOVES the morning. He wakes up happy as could be - filled with smiles, dancing, and hugs. He is ready to play (cars, cars!) and rarely interested in watching more than 5 or 10 minutes of a show so I can grab a few more minutes of sleep. I suppose if one has to have an early riser, it is good to have a happy one.
Rory is more like me. He wakes up and shuffles to wherever he is going (usually to me, still in bed, because Kelly is kind enough to get up with Ky), then sits in "his spot" on the couch to drink his milk while he wakes up. He eases into mornings. Not a thing wrong with that, in my opinion.
Now Crosby...he is still a mystery. Some mornings he wakes up cooing and smiley, content to hang out in his bouncer for a while before having his bottle. Other mornings all my neighbors probably know he is awake. He wakes up fast and loud. Really loud until a bottle reaches him. I am curious to know which side will "win," as he gets older. I have a feeling he will be a little bit more like me. Because, until 8 days ago, I would have completely understood being really loud until I had my Diet Coke.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Hypervigilance
Poor Crosby. He is going to be sleeping in our room until he is 18.
Even before we knew that Cora's death would be classified as SIDS, I was on the phone with our pediatrician. WHAT. ABOUT. CROSBY?!?! Thankfully, the nurse who answered my call was Mrs. Lockwood, a longtime family friend. She arranged for me to bring him into see Dr. Wright. Of course, what I didn't think about at the time, was that the doctors were already pouring over the records they had to see if there was any warning signs ~ anything that could tell us what happened to her, and if Crosby was at risk. Dr. Wright examined Crosby and had me bring him for an echo cardiogram to check for a specific issue, and thankfully Crosby got a clean bill of health.
But the terrifying thing is, in cases like Cora's, where her death is classified as a SIDS death, but the "usual culprits" are not in play, researchers think it may be related to an unknown defect. Because it is unknown, they don't know if it is genetic or from something the baby was exposed to in the womb.
Professionals call it hypervigilance ~ I call it sanity. I think I put my hand on his chest 20 times a day while he is sleeping. Kelly sleeps closer to him than I do, so I wake Kelly in the middle of the night to check on Crosby if I don't hear him. (He is a loud sleeper for being a baby!) But I am finally starting to relax a little more around Crosby. We hired a babysitter for the first time since October last weekend and I didn't worry at all about him (in large part because our babysitter was fantastic). And I am simply able to enjoy him, and all his smiley, happy sweetness, more and more each day.
Even before we knew that Cora's death would be classified as SIDS, I was on the phone with our pediatrician. WHAT. ABOUT. CROSBY?!?! Thankfully, the nurse who answered my call was Mrs. Lockwood, a longtime family friend. She arranged for me to bring him into see Dr. Wright. Of course, what I didn't think about at the time, was that the doctors were already pouring over the records they had to see if there was any warning signs ~ anything that could tell us what happened to her, and if Crosby was at risk. Dr. Wright examined Crosby and had me bring him for an echo cardiogram to check for a specific issue, and thankfully Crosby got a clean bill of health.
But the terrifying thing is, in cases like Cora's, where her death is classified as a SIDS death, but the "usual culprits" are not in play, researchers think it may be related to an unknown defect. Because it is unknown, they don't know if it is genetic or from something the baby was exposed to in the womb.
Professionals call it hypervigilance ~ I call it sanity. I think I put my hand on his chest 20 times a day while he is sleeping. Kelly sleeps closer to him than I do, so I wake Kelly in the middle of the night to check on Crosby if I don't hear him. (He is a loud sleeper for being a baby!) But I am finally starting to relax a little more around Crosby. We hired a babysitter for the first time since October last weekend and I didn't worry at all about him (in large part because our babysitter was fantastic). And I am simply able to enjoy him, and all his smiley, happy sweetness, more and more each day.
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