Father's Day

When I was 5 or 6, my parents had an in ground swimming pool put in. At the time (and even now) it was the most amazing thing ~ a pool in our backyard! That first year with the pool I used to cling to the side to go around the whole pool. My fingers would be all torn up from the concrete, but I didn't really care - I was in the deep end! When I got a little older, my dad would race me. I must have asked him about 20 times a day (conservatively) to race me because no one else would. He would oblige and somehow, even when I was little-little, I would always win. And there was never a doubt in my mind that I beat him fair and square.

My mom used to work the 3-11 shift at the hospital sometimes, which meant my dad was in charge of my brother and me. Quite often on those evenings our meal was Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and also quite often on those evenings, I was a troublemaker. In order to make dinner and keep me in line, my dad would put me up on the kitchen counter. I tried this same strategy with Kyan. It was not effective... (How did you get me to stay up there, dad?)

My dad worked long hours and all sorts of less-than-ideal shifts, which meant that he wasn't always home for dinner. But he was there for me for all of the important events and would go out of his way for me whenever he could. I went to college about 4 hours away from home. Once a term he would drive out after work on Friday to pick me up, I would then drive us home. On Sunday we would reverse the trip, going to work after I was dropped off. And on those trips home, I think I had one meal with my parents as I was trying to squeeze in time with all of my friends. Yet he never complained about me not spending time at home after taking all that time to get me there.

I was blessed with a very patient dad. He rarely lost his temper, didn't slam on the imaginary passenger brake when teaching me to drive, and all those years ago when he discovered I had a tattoo on Father's Day (sorry about that timing), he took it in stride...pretty much.

When I was very young, I thought all dads were like my dad. Now that I am older and know differently, I wish all dads were like my dad, because then all kids would be as lucky as I am.

Happy Father's Day, Dad! I love you very much.

June 5

Today Kyan, my middle child, my primary source of gray hair (when I had hair), my sweet smiling boy, turned 3. As many parents know, these things sneak up on us. Wasn't he just born? Just learning to walk? Just climbing on his first high surface and nearly sending me to a cardiologist? Not that 3 is old, but time flies.

Those of you who have met Kyan know that he has the best laugh. A big belly laugh that gets deeper with age. This video is a little old, but it will give you the general idea. This laugh is one of those things that when he does it after being naughty, I have to fight the urge not to smile or laugh. I don't always win that battle.

Kyan's favorite toy is Matchbox cars. We must have at least 200 (many hand me downs from his beloved cousin, Aidan). He plays with them all. He got a few new ones at his family birthday party on Sunday and he can pick those out of his collection. He organizes them by color or by type of car. He has races and crashes them, and for some reason many fly off our kitchen table. Speaking of the table, when we bought a new table I researched and researched to find one made of hard wood that was pretty kid-resistant. I forgot to research Matchbox car resistant. Let's just say our table has a "distressed" look it did not start with.

Ky is becoming a great big brother to Crosby and a wonderful little brother and playmate to Rory. Crosby sees Ky and his face just lights up. They both share a love of books, and it is fun having both of them in my lap while attempting to read a book. Rory very much wants Ky to learn to play his games - both outdoor and indoor. Kyan is interested, but not quite there yet. But, there are moments we see the glimmer of their brotherly friendship shining through.

I can't believe it has already been 3 years with my adorable little nugget, Kyan. Happy Birthday, Kyan! You have brought so much laughter and so many smiles to our home ~ I love you!

Spa Day, Interrupted

After my last round of chemo, I anticipated today being a crappy day, so I prepared. I arranged a reiki appointment this morning (went in queasy, came out feeling well ~ I can't rave enough about it) and then I scheduled a spa treatment for this afternoon.

Those of you who know me well probably just reread the last few words of that last sentence because spa treatment + Suzanne is not a common occurrence. However, last summer my Masters swim group gave me a spa treatment when I was pregnant. I couldn't use it then, so decided I would use it now. It was called the Rejuvenator, it seemed perfect to energize me on my low chemo cycle day.

First up was the sauna ~ all good there. Then I went to the mineral bath. Mid-day. On a Saturday. I was in inside. In a tub. I know this train of thought should have hit me before I was actually lounging in a mineral bath, but it didn't. The mineral bath was quite relaxing once I got over myself.

Then, onto the massage. The massage therapist came in and told me she was trained to work with patients undergoing cancer treatment (I had no idea there was such training) and asked me what type of cancer I had. I told her, and was then informed I could not receive a massage because of the type of cancer I have.

Um, what?

So, no massage. Instead I went to join Kelly and the boys at the playground. Where Kyan pushed me on a swing and we laughed at how silly it was that Ky was pushing mommy on the swing.

A Celebration

Every year on Kelly's birthday I asked him what he wanted to do and the answer was always something simple, like dinner out, but with the caveat that for his 40th birthday, he wanted a party.

Last Sunday, guess who turned 40? Guess what we are doing tonight? We are having a party!

When I got my prognosis one of the first things I decided was that I was going to do was to host Kelly's 40th Birthday because it is one of the very few things he has ever asked for for himself. I had no idea at the time how I would be feeling or where I would be in treatment, but this party was going to happen. I told him this. He said no, no, no. I said yes. My yes also had a look with it, which is why I only needed one yes to his three nos.

So, tonight we celebrate! We celebrate Kelly's 40th Birthday (he looks and acts a great deal like he did when he was 39). We celebrate being together with our family and friends for a great occasion. We celebrate all the friends and family who will be able to be here to celebrate with us. We celebrate another year of Kelly ~ funny, sweet, hockey-playing, Lego-hoarding, dedicated, lovable Kelly.

Happy 40th Birthday, BayBay!

This one might be a little Oprah-esque, I blame the steriods.

I think, on occasion, most people think: "What would I do if I knew I was going to die?" I always thought I'd rent a Winnebago, hop in with Kelly and the kids and go.

Turns out that I have absolutely no interest in doing that. I have said it before, I just want to keep on living my wonderful life. Wonderful life, you ask, how can that be with the devastation upon devastation that has reached our family? Life carries on ~ especially when surrounded by three very, very busy (and boisterous) little boys! I know that this blog is often an outlet for some difficult thoughts, but that is one of its many purposes - an outlet for me. If I had to give percentages, I would say that I spend 95% of each day quite content, and a mere 5% quite sad, frustrated, or angry. Given the circumstances, I'd say that is pretty good.

Anyhow, where I am going with this...
Think about your life. Think about what you would change if you knew you only had a short time left. And no cheating ~ no "wishful" fixes. Real things. Now, think about what you would keep exactly the same. Savor those thoughts for a moment (or ten...).

Now, for those things you want to change ~ big or small. Change them. Ask that girl to marry you (ahem...you know who you are!); build or rebuild those relationships you want to be stronger, let go of the ones you don't; focus on the parts of your job you like if you are in a job you don't like and also work to find something different; stop comparing yourself to others. Well, except in one way...if I can be content 95% of the day given what I have been through and am going through, I hope that you can to.


[Quick aside: Chemo day 1 went well ~ was at the cancer center a total of 5 hours. I have felt good all day, even did a full swim practice tonight (yippee for legal steroids), and am about to go to bed only because it is 10:15 and I should go to bed. Otherwise tomorrow will be very, very long! Thanks to everyone who checked in on me today.]


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Brownies

Can I tell you how frequently the topic of pot brownies has come up since my cancer diagnosis?

It all started with two youth group friends, who will remain nameless to protect their identities, who talked to each other about what they could do to help. They thought "pot brownies" (for those who don't know, pot - I mean, medical marijuana - helps with the chemo side effects) would be a great idea. There was just one problem: they had no idea where to get the pot. (I run with a wild crowd.)

A few weeks later at Bunco I am regaling the ladies with the pot brownie story and I kid you not, this led to a in-depth discussion of where pot could be obtained (again, no real answers...I hang out with the wrong people to try to be rebellious with). Perhaps the best part of that conversation was that then, instead of the Bunco ladies making these hypothetical pot brownies themselves, they were going to ship the pot to my youth group friends. Because you know, shipping pot through the mail is a good idea.

Which leads me to today. A friend posted this picture on my Facebook wall:

This is an item that was for sale at the Dana Farber cafeteria....it just makes me laugh. Had I seen one when I was there, I would have bought one just for kicks.

Now, a disclaimer. Many, many lovely readers of this blog - both who I know and who wish to remain anonymous - sent me some amazing socks after my sock post. Please do NOT send me any pot brownies!