Kelly and I are away on an adults-only vacation right now. The intent was to celebrate my being done with chemo and radiation. We came to a slightly off-season beach town because I have always loved the ocean.
The last time I was at the ocean was during the summer of 2011. I was 7 months pregnant with the twins and down in the sand with Rory and Ky (getting up was not graceful). We had such a good time swimming and building castles in the sand, and it is the first vacation Rory remembers.
Now, I have a beautiful view of the ocean from the hotel room, we have been here for two days, and the walkway that leads to the beach is a two minute walk. But I have yet to step onto the sand. I have not yet written Cora's name in the sand, I thought I wanted to, but I can't. One year ago Cora was alive. It is 2:17am as I type this, and knowing her, it is likely she was also wide awake. I don't want to memorialize my daughter. I want her here.
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3 comments:
{{{{{suzanne}}}}}
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All you can do is what feels right at any given second. Maybe you're just not ready yet. Maybe you never will be. That's ok. The love that you had for Cora the day she was born, that you have today, and that you'll always have is your memorial to her. Enjoy the time alone with your hubby. Love and miss you, pal :)
I couldn't agree with Beth more. You do what you feel is right - that's all you can do. You will write her name when you are ready....and if that is never, that is okay.
Others will continue to write her name and send you pictures...let that continue to bring you comfort.
Now, go walk on the sand, let the waves roll over your feet, and just breathe. Maybe hold the Boi's hand, too. :)
These weeks are so bittersweet, I know. I wish Cora was here, too...so, so much. I love her, and I love you, Pook. XOXOXO
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