At first, weekends were the hardest. Every Saturday night I would be reminded that "one week ago" or "three weeks ago" I screamed Kelly's name twice and then called 911. Sunday night at 9:05 brought tears for weeks and weeks.
The date, the 23rd, is a painful reminder ~ an anniversary that I wish we didn't have. I try very hard to stay busy on each 23rd, but no matter how busy I am, the memory creeps in. It plays over and over...trying to find what I could have done differently. I have been told this is a hallmark of a traumatic memory.
Recently I could only remember what Cora looked like when we were in the pediatric ICU and then later, at the funeral home. I couldn't remember her at the hospital when she was born or at home. I was absolutely devastated. It passed, but it was horrifying to me. What parent can't remember what their child look liked without a picture?
In one of my drawers I have a little box that Cora's last PICU nurse gave to us. In it are two little hearts with impressions of each of Cora's hands. I am grateful to have something physical to remind me of her.
We lost Cora 8 months and 2 days ago, on Sunday, October 23 at 9:05 PM.
7 comments:
I could feel probably only a portion of your love and grief in this post, and I found myself sobbing for your loss.
Sending heartfelt hugs your way.
Always praying for you!
Love you,
Courtney xoxo
Suzanne - you and your family have wounds that most people will never be able to comprehend. All you can do is work through the pain in the best way you know how so that you can heal - not forget - but heal. You are an amazing wife, mother, daughter, aunt, friend, person... I can't wait to see you and hug you.
Suzanne - in so many difficult situations in life I find myself asking the question, "Why?"- knowing full well that I will never get an answer, but I can't help but ask it all the same. I think of you and your beautiful family daily and always find myself asking that unanswerable question. Please know that love, hope and prayers follow you everywhere.
"I have been told this is a hallmark of a traumatic memory." This makes perfect sense.
On FB there are a great many posts about it's your own dang fault if you are sad, life is 95 percent how you look at it. I wish people would stop saying that.
8 months... 8 months ago hearts were broken that never will mend... a beautiful piece went missing, was taken away... sadly no words can make it better for you and your family. Just know we are all here for you, we are here for you...
XOXOXOXOXXOXO
Repeat.
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