Yesterday I went to plant flowers at the cemetery with my mom. I wore flip flops rather than sneakers (gardening is not my forte), so as my mom dug up the sod, I gathered it into a bag to walk over to a nearby field. The first two trips were fine. I noticed I felt a little weak, but I was okay. The third trip was okay, but the bag felt really heavy. The fourth trip was not good. I emptied the sod onto the field and felt like I was going to pass out - world spinning, unable to focus, dizzy beyond dizzy.
At this moment my two thoughts were:
(1) I need to get back to the car because my mom won't be able to drag me from this field (and)
(2) I cannot be the stage 4 cancer patient who passes out in a cemetery field. That is just bad form.
I did make it back to the car, sat down, de-dizzied (yes, I made that up), had some water, and proceeded to feel quite worthless as my mom planted the flowers while I filled a watering can a few times. We then left my car because I wasn't in shape to drive (my mom and father-in-law had to go back to get it). Once we got home, I called Kelly to come home, but also had 3 out of 4 grandparents over to help with the kids and me since I was in bed, pretty much out of commission.
Can I tell you how nuts this whole situation made me? Not being able to do the most basic of tasks? Not being well enough to watch my kids solo? Feeling cruddy enough that I needed a caregiver? Frustrating does not even cover it.
7 comments:
This is horrible. Thank you for telling us about it so we understand better.
You could make up a word to cover it. Like you made up de-dizzied. Helplessscarysuckitude?
I can only imagine your frustration over the situation, i shed tears at the idea. However, i am so over joyed that you have an amazingly supportive family to surround you. Many blessing to you and your fam and may you gain strength each day <3
It's ok to need help... It's hard to accept help sometimes. But you are very loved and people feel good about being able to help. I'm sorry that you couldn't do what you wanted to. How upsetting that is for your mind to want to do it but your body saying wait... I need a break. I hope that your body will heal from treatment and you get stronger by the day. The next time you need help planting flowers just let me know, I know a few children that love to dig in the dirt. =) As always we are here for you.
So, I'm pretty sure you are looking at this all wrong. Instead of all of the things you *can't* do because you have cancer, think of all the things you don't *have* to do because you have cancer! (Let's be honest, it already got you out of gardening...)
I understand how all this would make you frustrated. I would probably feel the same. So I'm going to tell you what I hope someone might say to me: ease up on yourself! Be kinder -- no one else is expecting you to be superwoman, so why are you?
Hugs.
Wow, not sure I could love the previous comments more. You sure have some awesome people around you, Pookie.
I truly hope that kind of day continues to be the exception on your journey...and please let me at least hold the map those days, okay?
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Take it easy on yourself, my friend - both physically and emotionally. You've been through a lot, are going through a lot, and are staring in the face of A LOT. It's bound to catch up with you at times, but lets hope those times are few. XOXO Bethie
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