[Another post from a while back that I am reposting now. I can already hear some of your comments. Know that this was a fleeting thought, an idea, not something I torment myself with daily.]
The Old Testament of the Bible is rife with stories of harsh, unforgiving acts of judgement. Those of you who know me, know that I do not read the Bible literally, but sometimes...
The Old Testament of the Bible is rife with stories of harsh, unforgiving acts of judgement. Those of you who know me, know that I do not read the Bible literally, but sometimes...
Today my OB called me to confirm what we already knew, I have cervical cancer. As he told me the boys were running around and I could barely hear him, but I started crying. Not because I had cancer, but because my first thought was "This is just." This is the least of what I deserve for not being able to save my own daughter. For failing her. For not keeping her safe. For not protecting her.
This disease. This cancer. This is Old Testament justice.
3 comments:
Oh, Pookie....hugs, hugs, and more hugs.
you are loved.
It is interesting to me that the log in secret password was "insensible."
I went to Catholic school and I understand OT justice. And in the worst of my sorrows tried to figure out what I had done to deserve this. (This is not, not NOT to compare my sorrows to yours--no comparison--just that sorrows make people do searching things.) What had I done and who had decided it was bad enough for my mother, husband and sister-in-law to die within 8 months time? It's BS, of course, because my innocent daughter didn't do anything bad enough to deserve her grandmother, father, and aunt dying -- and no, I don't care about the "sins of the parents" line.
But there's a part of me that still looks for what I did--because, oh no, what if there IS no justice? Why try to do anything, ever, if, for all your best efforts, good things and bad things are handed out haphazardly? That, I think, is why we punish ourselves or tell us we deserve "justice," because it is the only way to hope that our next actions might matter.
You deserve only good. Please try not to punish yourself for previous sufferings.
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