Many people have told me to stay positive, that there is always hope. And I am trying to do that, but it is so difficult. I think after losing Cora I realized that someone can do everything "right" and horrible, cruel things still happen.
I am heartbroken because I fear the boys will grow up without a mother. And they are so young they won't remember me, or just have small tidbits of memory. They are my whole world, and I may barely be a part of theirs. I am sad that Kelly could go through another horrible loss, but this time he won't have me to walk with him through it. I can't stand the thought of my parents having to bear the loss of their daughter. It is all just so much pain.
Right now, I am struggling to stay positive, to have hope, to be optimistic about the future.
I was talking to some friends last night and was talking about this and one of them said, "Then let us do that for you. Let us find the positive for you." So I need your help, help to find the positive again. Help to have hope that this will respond to treatment. Help to have hope that if it doesn't, then I can find the joy in the days rather than the sorrow.
12 comments:
This just sucks. There's no other way to say it aside from adding adjectives, like "this FUCKING sucks." I'm so sad for you, and angry as well... how can one person be expected to deal with so much? Without a doubt, you're facing my worst fears... the loss of a child, I cannot fathom that pain. Justin is 2 now and I still listen to hear his breathing at night when I go to bed! And I only stopped checking on Colin because he's such a light sleeper I woke him up too many times listening for that next breath while standing in the door. And the idea of kids losing their mom... simply heartbreaking. And horrifying. And awful. But you know those things and yet you seem (??) positive. You seek the positive and I would do the same, because after all, you can only balance so much at any one time. So here's my positive after that rant... I'm learning to relax and enjoy my own kids more. I'm not taking my family for granted, any of them, my children, my husband, my parents, my sister, my in-law's, none of them. I'm ok skipping church to watch crappy cartoons and making pancakes... not something you're "supposed" to do, but it's fun anyway. And cookies (or cooties as Justin says) at bedtime, when they are warm out of the oven? Sure. Taking the longer way home from school to drive past the fire station? Sure. Bonfires in the backyard and letting them roast marshmellows? (smarshmellows as we call them here) Abso-freakin-lutely. The positive is that I'm learning to be a better mother, a better wife, a better friend. And I hope to continue to be yours for many, many years.
You're right. We have to dig deep for anything positive. But, at least you are not being run over by a truck without any warning. I could fly into a mountain on Tuesday and not have any warning. Anybody can die any time. We are all dying all the time in that sense you are like any of us. The manner is probably pretty clear, but you are alive and have time now. You can continue to sprinkle your family and friends with your remarkably clever, humorous and loving perspectives for a still unknown amount of time. So keep living. You remain an inspiration to all of us.
And who knows, you may beat this. Lance Armstrong had Stage 4 brain cancer that metastasized and he beat it with aggressive and awful treatment. Now he's taken up something really hard, Masters swimming! Stay with us. Bob
Suzanne-
First of all you don't always have to be positive. You know the odds here, and it makes it very hard to be positive all the time, so don't expect that from yourself.
But there is some positive. You are an amazing person. We love you. We had the honor of knowing you and see how you coped with the unthinkable loss of Cora. We learned from you. We admire you.
You live with so much dignity and honor in face of huge huge adversity. In any situation you can only do the best you can. What you have done to this point is amazing. For every day we each get to live, we get a chance to touch people lives. You do that better than most people. It is hard to find the joy in the days, but there will be some. With your sense of humor, you'll find something.
I think you should write a biography, Suzanne. It'll help you remember the good times, and dilute the present. Your kids might not be ready for it now, but they will enjoy it later no matter what the outcome. I think it would be entertaining, sad and inspirational, and with your talent, maybe even published. Stay strong...or is that "live strong"...
What cancer cannot do...
~Cancer is so limited...
~It cannot cripple love.
~It cannot shatter hope.
~It cannot corrode faith.
~It cannot eat away peace.
~It cannot destroy confidence.
~It cannot kill friendship.
~It cannot shut out memories.
~It cannot silence courage.
~It cannot reduce eternal life.
~It cannot quench the Spirit.
unknown
It CANNOT take away how very special you are and how much you are truly LOVED Suzanne. We will help support you and your family with everything that we have and we will pray as hard as we can. Together with the love from here and the love from your guardian angels we will not let this be an option, and WHEN the treatment kicks this cancer out we will be joyful and we will never forget that you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and one hell of a force to be reckoned with.
I don't know what to say that is appropriate, so I will just say what is in my heart. There are no words to describe what you are going through...no amount of cursing, screaming or tears can express how horribly unfair life is. No one should have to play with the hand you have been dealt.
I am angry with myself for not keeping in touch more...I always look forward to the annual Christmas card from you, but I have never told you how much I enjoyed your sense of humor, your smile, your laugh. I feel so fortunate to know you!
And now, you are teaching me how to live. How not to sweat the small stuff. How to delight in the little things, and how to keep living...every day.
I admire you, and you inspire me. Thank you for blessing my life.
Positive?? Set the fear aside, take in all the love and support coming your way. Take the time everyday to hug those beautiful babies and your amazing husband. If you take the time to enjoy all the good things in your life hopefully they will over power the bad. Thinking of you Shawn
Suzanne, you are being faced with the hardest fight of your life, and being positive won't always be at the forefront of your mind. But, you have been blessed with three beautiful sons, and a beautiful daughter that you had the pleasure of meeting and love, if only for a short time. You have been blessed with a wonderful, kind and compassionate husband who will do anything to help you and the children. While the hand you are being dealt at the moment is difficult to understand, you are truly a blessed woman on many many levels. When you are having a 'moment', hug those blessings and realize that every moment with them is truly that, a blessing.
One of the horrible cruel aspects of any serious disease is "magical thinking." EG, If I want this to work, I have to stay positive, fight fight fight, and if I don't, the worst will happen and it will be all my fault for not trying hard enough.
A physician friend of mine once said, "Positive thinking is great, but there ARE such things as germs." Whatever happens, don't let yourself take the blame for the world cr@pping on you.
Suzanne,
I cannot even begin to think or feel your pain, but I do know that I can be here amongst the many that are here to listen, to comfort, to share a tear, and to find the positive even on the darkest of days. Here are a few of my thoughts for you -
NONE OF US ARE POSITIVE ALL OF THE TIME:
You certainly do not have to be in a perpetual state that seeks the positive, but on balance despite the circumstances, you do and you will continue to find the good in life. Nothing is certain (thankfully) in this realm of human experience until it has happened. You have the strength, the courage, and the mental fortitude to put up a good fight. Others before you have been down this path and fought their cancer until it subsided into remission... even if you cannot be positive all the time I know you will not give up hope. On balance, you are a positive person, none of can be so all of the time.
THROW AWAY THE FEAR:
You mentioned a few things you fear... well, those things I will point out are things that are up to you here and now today. You are a great mom and all of those boys are lucky to have you! Whether or not we are afraid of what might happen and how others may react is up to us. Of course, when it comes to how others can and do act (ie- look at my situation) we cannot ultimately control what any other person around us actually does. All we can do is influence their actions, and as a mom, a wife, a friend, a daughter, and a sister you are doing everything you can in that realm to be positive. To get back to the point, fear is a nasty little thing that we allow ourselves to experience. I do not need to tell you that it can destroy a person, but I do need to tell you that fear is not in my list of descriptors when I talk to others about you. You can, as you say so well, weep for a day, but tomorrow you can and will pick you self up and go on.
I wish I had something more I could say or do right now, but know that I am here, praying for you and the Murphy Clan every day.
Love - Andrew
Of course we will help you find the positive - after all, you are one of the most positive things in our lives!
That said, you need to give yourself time to grieve. Grieve the loss of the life you had planned. You get to be angry, sad, frustrated, down, shrieking, cursing, freaking out, and weepy...I will join you anytime. Just don't let it take over.
The most positive things you will find are right there in your home...Rory is probably running through the house, Ky is probably climbing something, and Crosby is most likely sleeping peacefully through it all. Each night when you look at their sleeping faces, try to push out the fear and let that love spread through and warm every inch of you.
Because this is merely a (really steep!)curve in your road....that life you had planned may be unreachable, but a different, more wonderful life lies in wait. And we'll be there to walk you through it once you kick this stupid cancer to the curb.
I believe.
All I can acknowledge, in an attempt to stay positive, is that there is no chance you will "barely be a part" of your children's lives. Even worst case scenario, you will be an every day memory, inspiration, and guide, in ways hard to fathom.
And not because the tragedy of it all will always haunt them, as it is easy to believe will be the case. We adapt to the awful things that happen to us, and if we are lucky, we turn them to strengths.
Your children will always have a person they think of as mom who plays a part in their decisions, their coping skills, and their relationships with others. And everything they know, and find out, about you, must improve who they are, because of who you are.
Despite fewer actual memories of events, you won't ever stop being an important part of their everyday lives, no matter what happens and when.
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