Doing Everything Right

I am a total goodie-two-shoes. I always made curfew (a few times I pulled the car in the garage right on time, but I made it), I rarely skipped college classes, and pay my taxes ~ even those nasty self-employment taxes ~ without fail. I try to do everything "right." Until October that seemed to work out pretty well.

When I was first pregnant with Rory, I went out and got one of those adorable crib sets. The ones with a bumper and a blanket ~ it was so cute with all of these little animals on it. And then I returned it because I learned bumpers at any age were not safe. I remember everyone asked me about the nursery and were shocked when I said there was no decor. Just a crib with a sheet.

By the time Cora and Crosby came along, the safety things were routine. Nothing in the cribs, kiddos on their backs to sleep, pacis when they were sleeping ~ the whole nine yards. We did everything "right" to prevent SIDS. But, Cora died and her death has fallen into that horrifying classification of SIDS. Her heart stopped beating while I was holding her in my arms ~ where else could she have been safer? How else could I have done anything more right?

Without a doubt, losing Cora has affected the way I have responded to my cancer diagnosis. A few days ago on Facebook, I asked people who were putting off doctor visits to schedule them. But the thing is, I wasn't behind on my appointments. Hell, for the past 5 years I was in my OBs office at least once a month ~ probably more, between fertitily treatments and my pregnancies. I had every test I was scheduled to have, including my pap test, but I still ended up with advanced cervical cancer.  Plus, as a bonus I have carcinoid tumors. I mean, what is that...a terminal gift for, once again, doing the right thing?

An expected conclusion might be to "screw doing the right thing," but anyone who knows me knows that won't happen. But, maybe I'll wander off the path a little more.