Dealing with Death

I used to be horrible at knowing what to do when someone passed away ~ what was enough? Should I call? Is an email to impersonal? What do they want/need to eat? What about flowers? Should I go to the funeral?
I think knowing what to do when the someone is a child is even harder. In the two years before we lost Cora two of my dearest friends lost children. I had no idea what to do. Of course, even though it is not anything I ever wanted to learn, I now know what can be done. I wanted to share a few of those things with you because I think grief is such an intensely personal journey that sometimes people are afraid that if they act, they will somehow make things worse.
1) Go to the calling hours and funeral.
Both can be emotionally draining. Both can mean shuffling around your schedule because they are unlikely to be at the perfect time for you. But seeing your face, hugging you, and sharing a few words with you can make a world of difference. At Cora's funeral I couldn't even look at everyone who was there, but just knowing how loved she was, and how loved we were, helped.
2) Consider basic needs of the family.
Food. Childcare. Dog care. Groceries.
Our vet took care of our dogs for us for a week. People brought food that we didn't even realize we needed. My brother went to the grocery store. My brother-in-law and his wife took care of our older boys so we could take care of all the things we needed to (and to keep the little boys as sheltered as possible).
3) Share your gifts.
One of my mom's best friends wrote a poem for Cora that I still read. I have three necklaces given to me in memory of Cora. I have a beautiful shawl I snuggled up in night after night that one of the OB nurses made for me. I could go on and on, but the point is that each one of these things reminds me both of Cora and the giver.
4) Send a card. Send an email. Send a FB message.
It doesn't matter how you contacted us, we appreciated you taking the time. We didn't respond to most, but we read every single one.
5) Share your stories.
It is okay to tell us what you have been through. My two close friends who lost children would call me, always with the qualifier that I didn't need to call them back. One day when I could barely function I called one simply to ask: "How did you get out of bed?" Another day I talked to my other friend about losing our daughters. They were tear-filled conversations, but they made me feel like I wasn't alone or crazy.
6) Talk to the person.
I returned to my swim group a few weeks after Cora died. It was awkward and I just wanted to swim, but we had to wait for the pool to be available. In that time, two friends came over and talked to me - clearly just to keep me occupied so I wouldn't lose it on deck - and then another friend came over and put his arm around me. Grief is very isolating in so many ways ~ it is a good thing to remind the person that they are not alone.
7) Follow your gut.
Do what you think you should do. If you feel like calling, call. If you would like to stop over, stop over. If you feel like you should do something, do it. Good people have good instincts - trust them.
In no way am I suggesting you need to do all of these things or exactly one of these things. Rather, don't hesitate to do something. If you don't get a response, don't think the person was upset or offended or didn't care. Quite the opposite will be true.