Kelly and I have been working on ordering a headstone since shortly after Cora passed away. The first time we went and stayed about 20 minutes ~ neither of us were ready for that. But, Dan, the man helping us, asked if we were sure we wanted to do a family headstone. He reasoning, which was very kindly said, was that we never knew how things would change as time went on. Without hesitation, we both said that we wanted to do the full headstone.
Over the past few months, I have gone to see Dan on and off to work on the headstone. Kelly and I finally settled on what we wanted, but there is one problem...it is a full family headstone ~ for Cora, me, and Kelly.
If I die from this (these) cancer(s), Kelly and I will have had about a decade together ~ a decade that adjectives cannot even describe because it is just that good. But, he is young and he may find someone else, someone he can spend much longer with ~ someone who dances with him into old age and years upon years of happy memories. And this someone, she could become "mommy" to my boys. And I sob writing that, because I can't stand the thought of it. How could someone else be mommy to Rory, Ky, and Crosby? How could someone else be Kelly's wife?
I can hear your voices now ~ you will not be replaced, you will be remembered and loved. I know that. I truly do, and someday I will write more about "my replacement," but not tonight.
Kelly is noble and kind and sweet and of course he said no when I suggested leaving "his" part of the headstone blank. He said no because right now, that doesn't feel like the right thing to do. That doing that would break both of our hearts. Because right now, we still have hope.
5 comments:
KellyBoy is noble, sweet, and kind....and you are brave, strong, and true. I really have no words for this post, but, as always, am overwhelmed with love for you. And your boys.
I have hope, too, I do...I believe. In my heart, I see it: you dancing into old age with the Boi...and us, enjoying a mudslide and making fun of the other hussies in the nursing home. :)
XOXO
If you are forced to leave this world at an unthinkable age - and that's still an IF - Kelly will always love you. Of course. The only decision you could make on this is the one that makes you and Kelly feel best when and if you are forced to make that decision. Because, as you know better than anyone, the only thing you can know for sure is what is happening before your eyes right now. The rest is just speculation.
Today I sob for you, but that's what the people who care will do, we will laugh with you and cry with you. But the highs will conquer the lows. The power of hope is amazing!!
The fact you are having to think about any of this is completely unfair and my heartbreaks for you. You should make whatever decision you and Kelly are comfortable with when you make it. The future is unwritten for everyone of us. I remain hopeful for you, Suzanne! I believe in your strength and your incredible spirit! I fear for the poor nursing home hussies that are subject to you & Kelli, but I would enjoy being a fly on the wall ; ) Nothing, but prayers and positive vibes being sent your way!
With tears in my eyes... and an ache in my heart... I still believe...
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