This isn't good. I am tears after typing the post name.
Kelli-girl sent me this message last night: "Grief counselors have a phrase for the memories (letters, videos, etc.) that terminally ill people leave behind for their families: heart wills."
I have thought endlessly about my Heart Will. What is most important to let my children, Kelly, my parents, my friends, my family know? What stories do I want to be sure my children know that they may not hear from others? How can a Heart Will ever possibly let my boys know how deeply I love them and how each one of them changed my life for the better?
I have started working on my Heart Will. Last weekend my friend Deb arranged for me to do an audio interview with one of her old college friends, Kathie, who does this professionally. Kathie and I emailed back and forth several times before our recording session - trying to hone in on what I wanted to say in about 35 minutes. Thirty-five minutes. It, like most everything lately, felt like not nearly enough time.
We also did a set of family pictures at Crandall Park ~ a short notice, thank goodness it was nice weather, Tarah (our photographer) was available~ let's go for it set of pictures. They are lovely and will be treasured as they are the last set of pictures we will have done before treatment begins.
I write mental letters to "my people" in my head, but I haven't yet been able to actually write one. I will, soon. Maybe after tomorrow, when I will (knock on wood) hear what Dana Farber has settled on in terms of a diagnosis and treatment course, maybe when it seems a little more real. Because right now, it still doesn't feel that way.
5 comments:
I promise I didn't mean to make you cry, Pook. But if it helps, it does the same to me.
And I agree - it doesn't quite feel real yet...and I hate that it will all too soon.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
I read something last night that made me feel better about myself and crying...
"...my favorite verse in the Bible is the shortest one of all: "Jesus wept."....he didn't do it in private. He did it in front of his friends and followers. ...it takes a strong person to cry. It takes a stronger person to let others see those tears."
You are amazing Suzanne as is Kelli-girl!
As for the Heart Will - yours is already abundant - you add to it every day with your humor, grace, courage and the wonderful times you have with friends and family.
Xoxo
I am honored to have been able to do this small thing for you. I still regret not taking those family photos of you all before Cora's passing :( Your thanks tonight brought tears to my eyes and I really appreciated it, sincerely. I love you and am in constant awe of your limitless faith!
Don't worry, Suzanne. You don't need to leave one perfect document that will tell your boys all the things you want them to know. You create little messages that will lend to that each day - each blog post, each funny story told, each matchbox car pushed, each experience you share with a friend that they will recap in their own words... But, my true hope is that someday, when they're old enough to understand, you can tell them yourself over a steak dinner and a good, strong beer.
I love your honesty. For those who have not personally travelled your path one does not know what one would do. I hope that I would be as brave as you. I know you cry, laugh, get depressed but damn, you get up everyday with fight in your veins...love you.....grrr..not a robot, not a robot....
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