I am going to share a quotation from Elizabeth Edwards, since she says it far better than I ever could:
"If you know someone who has lost a child or lost anybody who's important to them, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift."
So, yes, you can say Cora's name. I can't guarantee my reaction. Some days I am okay, and other days I cry, but since you are my friend, you will understand that. You don't need to feel guilty if I cry (or if I don't) - your words have not caused my tears, and in many cases I am thankful when someone mentions her. Especially now, when suddenly I feel like the "cancer show," - I don't want her to be forgotten.
As far as cancer questions, you can ask me anything. Off the top of my head I can't think of a question I wouldn't want to answer, but if you ask something I don't want to share/answer, I will tell you that.
And issues in your own lives. Let's be honest, chances are in the "big picture" they do pale in comparison to what is going on for me. But, those issues are important to you and matter to you, and so they are important to me and matter to me too. I do not only want to talk about me when I see you. As a matter of fact, I really don't want to talk only about me. Though I am awesome. I want to hear about everything I used to want to hear about, plus all the new stuff that is going on with you - good and bad. (Though if you whine about lame things, I am going to call you on that, but I always have done that.) Likewise, I want you to do the same for me. I know you want to know how I am doing, but I also want you to know that all my "old" life ~ it is still there ~ and I am still living it. Because the minute I stop, that is the minute the cancer has won, and that is not going to happen if I can help it.
My friend Chris has a quotation by Leonard Cohen that I always found meaningful, that I think will serve as a good wrap up for the evening: "It's the notion that there is no perfection ~ that this is a broken world and we live with broken hearts and broken lives but still that is no alibi for anything. On the contrary, you have to stand up and say hallelujah under those circumstances."
8 comments:
This is very insightful, Suzanne. We went through a similar thing when Emily was sick. We were everyone's worst nightmare. Most people were very supportive. Others seem to back away as if our bad luck was contagious.
People would tell us their problems paled in comparison, and we came to say, well actually yours is yours, and ours may be worse, but it doesn't make yours any better. Strangely illness and loss are often treated like a competition. And they of course are not. And in most cases, you can find someone with a worse situation, but in your case I think you win.
I think the first thing I said to you after Cora passed away is that I had no idea what to say - anything I could think of just sounded ridiculous. I think most people would feel that way. But, then I realized that sometimes just being there is the best thing you can do for yourself and for the person who is suffering. Hugs, laughs, and good crying sessions are really good too.
I wish there was simply a like button on this post. I love it. I wish I said it. Pre-transplant I had two friends my own age and post-transplant I had one because after being gone for half a year I sat down at lunch eith the girl and she asked me how my day was going, what classes I had, etc, without mentioning the fact that I had a problem. I assume that people don't know what to say, but ignoring the elephant in the room when it is relevant is as bad as saying "the wrong thing" in my opinion.
ncerTrust me no one will ever forget little Cora. It is like when 911 or the JFK assanation took place, everyone knows exactly where they were when thwy heard the horrific news and they will never ever forget that day. Noone will ever forget the day when they got the news about Cora and we will always remember her.
Meighan
I remember being at your house sometime shortly after Cora died. B was playing, then she looked at you, and said, "Cora died. She stopped breathing, so she died. Then she went to heaven. She's in heaven now." After each sentence she looked to you for verification, and you answered her each time.
I have never wanted to sink through the floor more in my life. Then I remembered that Elizabeth Edwards quote, and I relaxed a little.
I remember thinking how simple it is to a child - it happened, so it is okay to talk about it. Matter-of-fact, whenever-it-occurs-to-us okay to talk about. (The next minute she was back to butterflies, dinosaurs, and Ky's cars.) I learned a lot that day, and I like to think it has helped me a better friend to you through this.
At least once a week, B asks me, "Is Aunt Suzanne's heart all better from Cora?" Each time, I say, "No, not yet."
"That's okay, we'll keep loving her," she replies.
Usually followed shortly by, "And we can have playdates, too."
You have a beautiful and terrific little girl, Kelli.
Suzanne: I ask Jane every time I call her how you are doing. Yesterday she clued me in to your blog, and I've just finished reading all of them. I want you to know that you are being prayed for in Missouri, Kansas and Illinois - maybe around the world by now! Your transparency inspires me. I am praying that you will have many years to raise your three boys. I know God is able to heal you.
Your great aunt Ruth.
It always amazes me how through it all you are guiding, teaching, encouraging, and inspiring all of us!! I know I say it a lot, but again I have to say I LOVE reading your blog. You are so open, honest, and forthcoming. I remember shortly after Cora passed away you posted something thanking people and (although I can't say it as eloquently as you did) you said that it was okay if people didn't know what to say or do, that we would learn together. Every time I read your blog I feel you leading us all through these experiences with you. You are so absolutely amazing!!
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